Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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