She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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