Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
