He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize