That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
