Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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