so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
