11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
