maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
