We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
