Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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