Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
