I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
