I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Please don't give away my fajitas
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
