don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
