Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize