That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
