I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
wow bdsm is so cute
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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