I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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