I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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