so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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