Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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