I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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