i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
