You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
