If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just pee around me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
