Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
