plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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