you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
