Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
