and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she peed on how many people?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize