i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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