Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize