Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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