I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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