And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
