there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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