i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
