God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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