Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
