It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
