when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
