love makes seman taste better
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
