Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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