you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
