Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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