i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
there is glitter all over my balls
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