Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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