tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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