3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
