Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
