Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
