I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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