if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize