I just threw up on my dentist
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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