bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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