Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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