Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I want a musical about memes.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
