I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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