Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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