my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm sobbing to NWA
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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