I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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