Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
