I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
