Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
