Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
