We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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